I’ve been trying to make a mindful activity for every day of Lent this year, hoping to move people to think outside of themselves, especially Christians, and to re-orient their inner selves. We all need to do that from time to time. And, I should have a third part to post today, but, I don’t. I don’t have it done and there is a reason for that, besides being really busy. Another reason is that I need a break.
Some people may know that March 28 is the 6th anniversary of my daughter’s death and I am not healed. Far from it. What can ever heal a gaping hole left by someone so very dear? Yes, I do believe Jesus heals, but this is a huge wound. I have tried to fill it with doing more and more things, soldiering on to prove that I’m strong, but these things don’t fill me. In fact, they drain me. I have a disease, and it is called depression. Others suffer this too, I know. The fact is that every day is a struggle for me. I am in therapy, and that helps, but I need to do more. And, I need to do less. I need to find ways to care for myself and I need to actually face the huge loss and trauma that I’ve endured instead of trying to perform for what I think others want to see from me. God knows who I am, and God loves me the way I am. God heals in many different ways. He uses people with talent and skill and he uses medicine. Yes, sometimes, healing happens magically, but that doesn’t mean that other types of healing are not just as special or as much of a blessing. Needing others, needing help, is not something to be ashamed of. It is the way God made us – to be interdependent, not independent.
So, I am taking a break for the rest of this month from trying to fulfill expectations of what I think people want from me. Sure, I will do essential things. I’m a secretary. I have a job. And, I have other responsibilities. But, I am freeing myself from this drive to be perfect.
My daughter, Amber, was (and is) Beauty, Joy, Laughter, Purity, Honesty, Unconditional Love and my best friend. She was my world for 23 years. When she died, I was thrust from a place where I felt safe and loved into a world that I was a stranger to. I am a toddler in this world that I have been born into since her passing. So, I’m going to need to navigate it the best way I know how – learning, growing, taking steps, and maybe falling down sometimes. I am going to try to give myself grace to do that.
And, if any of you are also suffering from mental health issues, depression, anxiety, phobias, PTSD, etc., please, do not be ashamed. It is not a failure. It is a struggle. Everyone has struggles, and each person has a different struggle than their neighbor. Whatever the case, reach out for help because we do need each other. That is how God (or Love) works.
So, for the rest of Lent, just re-read the first two parts of my Lenten blog and repeat some of the days. That’s the best I can do right now. Peace and blessings.